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I woke up different the other day.
I had a different day.

But perhaps not a different day.
Perhaps this was the start of every different day.

I changed over night.
Twisted, shifted, moved, over night.


My alarm clock called me out of bed through a song of beeps. Unlike the brutal roar I was use to so early in the morning. I rose up from my slumber as if hands were glinding me up and up the stairs.


The bath filled with water quickly. I shaved. I never shave in the mornings. Perhaps this was when I realise something had changed. Changed in me. The bath was warm, my stubble free from me. The bath wasn't hot. Wasn't burning hot. It wasn't cold. Wasn't freezing cold. It was warm. A warm hot/cold bath. A perfect bath.


I've never experienced a perfect bath before.

I wanted to hold onto that moment for eternity.
Just. A. Little. Bit. Longer.


Water dripped from my body like the parting of the waves. From wet to dry. The water parted and left my dry naked body in return.


I walked to the station. Dressed, fed. But the air had changed. Life and spring and summer and winter all rolled into one.


I lent against a pillar of bricks. The seconds rolling into minutes. The air rushing past my body. The sun bathing my skin. Warm. Golden. Alive. I thought how odd this day had been. I wondered about the future. I stared. A small puddle at my feet. My body swayed in the wind and I drifted between my thoughts. I'm hopefully. Thankful, and excited. The future is laid before me and I'm just about to step onto the one way ticket. Should I look back?


Train arrives, and I find my friend. My lover. My Female. Asleep, curled up on the seats. I sit alone, yet I can still see her sleep. She never sleeps. I never sit alone. It's as if something changed.


Changed.

Over Night.
I've changed, over night.


We walk to college in silence. Only listening to our own thoughts. What an odd instance this is in my life. A changing day, where my thoughts dominate that of everything else. Yet I'm happy. Content. Within my thoughts.


I think about everything.

I think about love.
I think about him.

I think about the past him.


Oh how I missed HIM. The first love is always the hardest. Yet this is more than that. This is the love that cuts your heart in many pieces and leaves it to simmer in a pan of hatefulness.


I think about life.
I think about death.

I think about what is to come.


A new road, lined with tree's of gold, is free for my use. The toll is only BBC. New experiences and a whole new world lies ahead on this road. Yet I must get the toll. The B B C to suceed.


I changed on this day.
Perhaps it was just a slight change.

A shift in the wind, a slight shake of the light.


Yet I've changed.


I'm now an adult.


luvs

xXx

*blows nose*


*coughs*


*splutters germs everywhere*


I have a cold. One might even consider it to be Man Flu, and for those of you who don't think that Man Flu exists I am the living proof that Men [for I am now an adult and can call myself a man?!] get very bad colds, and thus this is classed as Man Flu.


*coughs*


What a weekend I've had. *images flash before my mind* Hmm. Perhaps I've drank too much the last couple of days? Let's see. On Friday I had my May Ball. It's not as grand as you may think it is. As I'm on the student union I had some part in organising the event and we had 3 bars, an all you can eat hot and cold buffet, a dance tent, a proffessional photographer/photography area, a dance room, fair ground stalls AND to top it all off we had Dodgems.


The night was a complete success [apart from the fact we didn't get enough people to attend and we made a loss, but meh like we care about that right now!] 540 people turned up, and drank and danced the night away. Most, if not all the people were in dresses, and ball gowns. Of course the men dressed somewhat differently. Suits, tucks, ties, and shirts - seem to be the fashion. I however went alternatively:


--May Ball Outfit--


Shirt. Jumper. And Tie. I was the only one dressed like this. HA! That offically makes me cool.


So because I'm now 18, I can legally drink. So I did. I got merry. Yes.. perhaps we shall leave it as that.


I got home at silly o'clock, but luckily Emily drove us there and back. I love having a close friend who can drive and doesn't drink! *woo*


Moving on the last night. *head throbs* Oh. What. A. Night. We went out to celebrate Beca's birthday, the idea being going out for a meal and then onto a club. The only problem was that Beca had invited two different sets of friends - those from her old school and those she had made in college. I struggled to get a good conversation going with her school friends, and when she did we kind of drifted off, and ran out of things to say.


However I looked funky:


Click For Outfit


Although in the end I took the tie off before I even left the house. Damn. I looked funky though.


We were the first people to arrive at the club, and I felt slightly embarressed by this. I mean. SOMEONE had to be the first, just a shame that it was us. But nevermind. We brought drinks. I mean.. we were ripped off. I had to pay £3 for a vodka and coke. *is shocked*


We danced. We spoke. We flirted. We danced. We Spoke. We flirted.


It was a good night. It was my first experience in a straight club. How odd. I mean, the club itself promotes itself as "Gay Friendly" But last night. I was the only gay in the club. [Apart from the hot bar staff who gave me an eye full as we passed on the stairs - it was one of those slow motion moments.. and within a second it was over and all I could do was smile. *chuckles*]


--


*coughs*


*blows nose*


*splutters germs everywhere*


So now I'm ill. Feeling rather sorry for myself. And to just prove the point that I am ill. I didn't even do my hair today. That's surely a sin in my terms of sinful things?


I swear I had something important to say, but its gone. Perhaps its been the vast amounts of alcohol that my body has indured [I knew that double vodka and red bull.. followed by a shot .. was a bad idea].


I'm now happily sober. And feeling the pang of a cold.


Over and out.
Luvs

xXx


EDIT: I actually decided to create my Boy Cam. So check out my new cam pictures. Oh and also Bobakey.net has won 2 awards at my hosting for the Best Blog #1 and also for the Graphics with second place #2! Puffin Host

Dear Rob,


Well I'm just at the station, sitting in the sun after our little - hmm - talk. I can understand - and I know it was going to happen [perhaps not so soon] but it is here.


Both our exams come ahead of most things now. You have to concentrate and do well - I understand, and I have to do the same. So perhaps your subjects are alot more demanding than mine, essays, notes, work, work and more work. But if that is what is going to get you into Uni then I am all for it.


I really do like you - and I really do feel something for you. *sighs* I wish that things could be better, not so hard and demanding, but no aount of missing is going to change that. We are going to have to accept it.


I could see how tough that was for you to stand - or rather lean - and tell me that. i could tell that something was not right - your expression was like an open book and I could read every line of it. I guessed what was coming - but I still clinged onto some kind of hope that things were going to be alright. I think they will and above all I KNOW that you will do brilliantly in your exams. You've already shown how dedicated you are - you're an inspiration - I hope you know that.


For now we both have to knuckle down and do these annoying exams. Then, perhaps in summer our paths will cross once more. At least I'm willing to make sure to find you and take you out for non-coffee.


Until then, thank you for just being you - what more could I ask for?


Asd I said before - I'll Miss You.


Luvs
Jakey

x


--


So I've waited a few days before I posted this to just see what happened, and its progressed. Anywhos'. Me and Rob kind of split up. But then we didn't... its more a break for a while. Or is it? URGH. Confusion!


We aren't together right now.
This is due to exams.

And the mass of work.
Causing worry and dread.

So its best to stay apart.
Yet I thought this was the end.

Until he told me he missed me.
I missed him too, and that it would be soon.

When we would be together again.


I left the above above letter in his helmet outside his college the next day after the event. And I got an email from him saying how much he appreciated it. How it made him realise how much he liked me and that he was going to keep it in his wallet so that whenever he needed to boost he could just read it and think of me and know he will do well in his exams.


Thats cute. Right?


In other news... I AM NOW 18. Oh my. Why did it take me so blooooming long to get around to letting you folks know that the boy is not longer a boy. Oh no. I am offically a fully fledge ADULT.


With all the responsibilities. But we care not for those haha.


Had a fantastic birthday, went gay clubbing. Of course this was fantastic and I pulled. The fact I pulled my boyfriend Rob is a different story.. but I had a few other guys look me up and down. [And quickly run away.. what did I do wrong?!] hehe.


Not many people turned up for the picnic before, or for the general day but those who did, I know are my true friends *hugs* I got lots of attention and it was all about ME. So I can now drink and whey hey, all those lovely things in life.


Thats al the time that I have right now, so toodles.
luvs

xXx

I haven't told anyone this yet, so you can be the first. I saw Rob today. It was beautiful. But what made it beautiful was when he said something that made my heart skip a beat. I left him a note last week at his bike just saying "I hope you have a nice day" and today I said to him that I didn't leave one for him.. to which he said:


"Well thats not right. I may just have to break up with you now."


Why is this so good? Why did my heart skip a beat with a threat about a breakup? Because its exactlu that.. a breakup! It's the first time that Rob has used us as an item, a couple, partners, lovers, boyfriend and boyfriend. Together.


Perhaps I'm reading slightly more into this than I should. But hey! Young love is always sweet. So anyways, I spent the afternoon with Rob. I met him and he was sun bathing in the little sun that Cambridge actually had. He was with friends, and that was fine with me. I just joined in. We hugged lots, I layed in his arms, and we kissed a bit. But what made it so good was that it felt so natural - you know the phase where you finally realise that this feels right. That you KNOW the person. I didn't have to worry about conversation or when he touched me. It just all happened..


In other news its nearly my 18th birthday!. I shall be an adult.. and what an age it is! I feel old. Very old. My bones feel my age, and some more ontop of that. Hehe.


Tomorrow to celebrate my day before my birthday my mother is taking me to London to see "Smaller" which is a play in the West End with Dawn French in. I idolise that woman! Can't wait to see it. It's meant to be really good, not so much funny but rather touching. I could use a good cry to let all my happiness out hehe.


Then on Saturday my actual 18th. I'm going for a picnic, [not that I've checked the weather.. this IS england after all.. eeks] followed by a general day of celebrations and then clubbing gay style the night away. It should be good I hope.


For some reason I'm rather tired, and my bed is looking rather fit for me right now. SO until we meet again, I say goodbye.. and slowly grow older and wiser and more inclinded towards a certain male hehe.


*mwah*
luvs

xXx

I waited outside the college for him, on my day off. I turned up 10 minutes before the end of the college day, but that didn't bother me. I found his bike, having learnt what it looked like. I smiled. I had worried that my plan would fail for I was taking a gamble. I was to catch a train and wait for him outside his college. It was to be a surprise.


I waited, shifting between my two feet, looking around, looking for him. He had no idea, it was all a surprise. I had brought some chocolate for him, it was his favourite. It was to say Happy Easter, sorry I haven't seen you, and all the unspoken words between us. It had been two weeks. Surprise surprise.


He had no idea, and came out of the college with friends. Distracted he let them walk him back into the college, for what I wasn't sure. I waited still. A friend of his came over, noticing me. He smiled and asked why I was there. I explained the plan, my cunning surprise. He returned out of the college once more, and his friend went to go get him. The conversation was brief, something about his bike on fire. Of course it wasn't... it was just on fire with my passion to see him.


I looked up and our eyes met, he smiled, I smiled. A third of a face covered with my smile. My smile. He asked why I was there. I came to see you, I missed you. I touched his shoulder, he touched my chest. We embraced, a long, strong hug of affections. I whispered into his ear about how much I had missed him, how I had planned a surprise. He whispered that he was surprised, and that he did miss. He missed me.#


We laughed. We spoke. We exchanged looks. I gave him his chocolate. He confessed that he was going to get me an Easter present. Happy Easter. I couldn't stop smiling. I leaned close to him. We kissed. Briefly. Two boys kissing in a street. People watching. For the first time I felt nothing but him. I wanted him. And I had him.


For an hour we stood outside that college of his. His witty remarks I played back with bursting smiles and laughs. We argued. Not agressively.. no. Playfully. I had missed his wit. His charm. His kiss. I played with his shirt. I liked this look. It was freash, it was new, it was summer. He is my summer to bring me out of winter. I welcomed his presence, his scent, his body.


I played him a song on my music player, we leant close together. He listened. He enjoyed. He put a headpone of his in my ear, and played me a song. We were close. Two songs playing. The wires of headphones looping and connecting us through pocket music players. Our ears touched. I kissed his neck, he kissed mine.


That moment lasted for such a short time. Yet it was perfect. We were perfect.


--


So as you could gather I met up with Rob today after he finished college. It was a surprised, and I realised, upon seeing him just how much I had missed him. Everything about him. I just MISSED him.


It's just a shame that its a casual relationship. We kiss, we hug, we hold hands.. yet, are we together? Apparently not. We are "seeing what happens". That is what happens when you try and date a guy who needs will be getting A's in his A Level Exams. He must study, he must do this. He must do that. But its not all his fault.. I share a busy life too. It's just a shame that rare moments like the one above seem far and few.


Yet it was so perfect - that hour.


From there, I walked into town with my face smiling madly, and my music playing. I walked to the bookshop to order a book... to find it closed. Thats one heck of a walk withing itself... and I took the long way around.. So I then turned and went to go to another bookshop..


En-route I met Alex, Ricki and D'arcy. [Along with two random other people - one gay].. please note that the named people are ALL gay. I worry sometimes that Ricki and D'arcy don't like me, but I think thats me being me. They were very surprised to see me, equally as excited and happy, and gave me huge hugs. Perhaps they do like me. Alex was over the moon and practically attacked me with hugging. I miss him at times.


I spent the next x about of time with them. It was good to catch up. Odd as well. Ricki, D'ary and myself keep bumping into each other too much. At the train station, at college, at parties, in town. All too much. People will think I'm following them soon. It just happens by chance I swear!


I could write a book of Ricki and D'arcy, their love affair and just the sort of people they are. Fantastic they are, yet I could stare and watch them all day long.. fasinating breed of the human steretypical gay boys.


I wish to add a paragraph here about how I've fallen in with a gay crowd. All the gay's and how each gay knows each other. How we all come across each other way too many times, and how at times it feels like we have all had a bit of each other.


Yet I shall save the delight of that for another day.


For now I shall depart with saying that I enjoyed flirting with another guy who is taken. *sighs* It was friendly banter that left me smiling. A good flirt never hurt anyone. Especially someone in a casual relationship.


Anywho's - over and out.


Much Love,

xXx