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10 days and counting. Hmmm. I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that me and Tom are on this break. I know how I feel. Ok... I'm even confusing myself.


Lets start again. This break has been good, especially for me, I may not want to admit it but its the truth. *sighs* It's give me the space to get alot of things sorted, such as coursework, exams, auditions.. I haven't had alot of time to think about Tom, and it sounds bad, but its helped. I've focused more and from that I've gotten alot done. Thats good.


But although thats the good side of it, I still miss him. I feel as if there is nothing there anymore... its been so long since we properly spoke that I'm worried I won't recornise him anymore. Yes. It's really that bad. I want all this to be over, I want to try again. Because I think what we had was so special that we need to try and save it. But... it's not my choice. *damn*


We spoke on MSN though yesterday, and just talked for a while and that was good. He said that I should give him a text [if I liked] some time during the week, which is a step up from not communicating at all right?


So the very important ... audition in Edinburgh...


It was really well, I will admit that. I only did my Shakespeare monologue and sang a song, but I *hope* that that was enough to get me through to the recall... I should find out possibly in a week - eeek!


The only bad part about my lil trip away was that I got a stomach bug the night before my audition. I thought I had eaten something funny but maybe not, seen as my mum has it now eeek. I spent all night throwing up, fainted, and was generally not good. We thought that if it went on that I wouldn't be able to go to my audition, but I pulled through, and I'm just dealing with the stomach pains now...


Next audition is on Sunday, a weeks time.. scary stuff. Up in Liverpool. Lots to do for it!


Right thats my update for now,
luvs

xXx

Well, I was thinking about how I was going to write this blog entry and I decided that the easiest way would be to just not to beat about the bush:


Me and Tom are on a 2 week break.


This happened on Thursday night. Strangely I was ok with it - I suppose. I didn't cry, and haven't since. I just needed to know what was going on between us and now at least I know that we are on a break. I couldn't cope with waiting for a phone call from him to hear whatever he had to say... but now its happened I feel, happier.


So how am I coping?


I don't really know. I've felt better thats for sure. Actually I do know how I feel... I feel somewhat empty. I feel as if a big chuck of me as just suddenly disappeared. That describes it so well. I've lost something... of course this is Tom. I've lost a friend. I've lost a boyfriend. I've lost a lover. I've lost that special person. I've lost that person I use to call all the time.


Hmm.. thats whats missing the most. The talking. I miss it. Too much. I keep thinking of things that I want to tell him. I even emailed him today, and perhaps I shouldn't have because he hasn't replied. Thats worried me alot. It was only a short email about a dvd.. but even so. I know I shouldn't have, but I just did. Now I regret doing it.


*sighs*


One of the reasons I'm writing this is because I nearly just spoke to him online. He has died his hair groovy patterns and such, and I wanted to tell him how good it looks, as it shows it in his MSN picture. I even opened the conversation box, and closed it again. I can't talk to him.. its not fair on him. We are meant to be on a break... right?


I can't help it. I really can't. Its only been like 3 days... only 3 days. It feels like weeks. Seriously. I can honestly say that I've never felt so lost as I am now. I've never felt so empty. I've never felt so .. so in love before.


This makes me worried. Worried beyond belief. I'm scared. I'm so worried that he won't want for us to get back together, and I'm going to have to deal with that... but.. but I don't know what I'm going to do without him. It sounds stupid I know, but its true. In the 7 months we were together, he meant everything to me, he was everything. Now I have none of that.


What happens if he doesn't agree with me? What happens if he doesn't want to be with me anymore... What if... URGH. I can't take it! Now I really want to just break down in tears. I miss him.


I miss him so much, and its been 3 days. I'm pathetic. I've been trying to not think about him, keep myself busy, but every so often, he pops up in my mind and I just remember the way I treated him, how I did this to us, and how its all my fault. And I wish I could go back and change things. I would do anything.


I don't want him to leave me. I don't want us to go seperate ways. I want him, now, and [perhaps childish and tacky] but forever. I miss his company, his voice, his body, his room, his presence, that feeling.


One of the reasons we went on this break was the lack of something between us, - the fun, we missed that. Now I've lost that, and I've lost him. Completely lost him.


*sighs*


I've been trying to learn my monologues for my audition on Thursday in Edinburgh, flying up with mother, should be good. Shame that he couldn't wish me good luck before...


Anywhos.. I've poured half my heart out here again. It helps to type things here, just to empty my thoughts and feelings.


Thank you to those of you who offered support. I mean it, thank you. And also thank you to my family, so supportive.


Luvs

xXx

I feel empty inside. As if my heart has been wrenched out of my boy and layed upon the doctors table for him/her to look at it to tell me that my heart seems to be broken. Half Broken


*sighs*


I've just gotten back from spending 4 days with Tom, the idea being that we would see the New Year in together, have a brilliant time, and just feel together. I somehow think that what actually happened was the opposite.


I'm stressed. There is no denying it. Ok, so since I last updated I have recieved 4 replies from the UCAS system.. Kingston Uni are 'considering me' which is brilliant. Edinburgh Uni has given me an audition date, 12th January... and for those of you who haven't realised yet thats just around the corner... next week infact. LIPA have given me an audition date of the 22nd, and Drama Centre London have given me a choice of audition dates.


So *yesh!* I have heard back from them [although still waiting on 2] and this is my chance [possibly my only chance] to live my dream of going to drama school / studying drama at higher education. But with all this comes alot of learning of lines, singing songs, writing things... oh lets not forget that I have coursework deadlines at college, and work, and also lines to learn for Trojan Women which we are performing in 29 days.


So... I'm stressed.


When I get stressed I get stressy and I take it out on my family. Last Friday was my peak of my stress, ending up in Mother having a massive shouting thing at me [I just sat quietly] and she said alot of hurtful things to me. But it made me realise about how it's not fair on my family.


Now during all this I have also been taking alot of my stress if not nearly all of it on Tom. My boyfriend. The closest person [other than family] that I've ever been with. In all aspects.


Recently things haven't been right between us. Every time we see each other I'm biting his head off. Arguments are being started and nearly all of it, if not all of it - is because of me. I will admit that its my fault. It's not because Tom is biting my head off or provoking me. It's because I'm getting stressed at him


We had a conversation on that Friday where my whole world seemed to turn upside down [and alot of tears flowed from my eyes.. I can tell you! But boy did it feel good to cry - its been a while]. This conversation was bitchy, and Tom said that things had to change. That I couldn't always take it out on him because its not fair. I agreed. It's my fault. And I would make it up to him...


After all the tears and talking to Tom I felt .. great. As if all my troubles had somehow been slightly solved. I was so excited about seeing Tom again... so excited.


I was happy. I was the 'Jake that I use to know' [says Tom]. I wasn't moody. I tried to be happy, and I was. I really was. So how comes I feel so crap right now?!


The 4 days with Tom weren't perfect, there were some fights, but NOTHING compared to how it use to be. I was on my best behaviour... I was happy, I was enjoying myself. But Tom seemed off. I thought it was me being paranoid. But Tom was being off. I couldn't understand why, so I didn't say anything... I just continued to be happy an all.


I wish I had said something now... and not left it until last night. *sighs* We were laying on the bed, and I can't even remember how the conversation started. But for some reason we started to talk about me and Tom. Our Relationship.


Tom has recently found me annoying... and I don't mean to be! It's like when we leave the house, Tom has to lock his bedroom door, so we leave his room and I wait just outside, but apparently I'm too close to him to be able to lock the door or something. And then when I'm drying up after dinner, I was apparently too close to Tom, because any normal person would take an item and dry it up AWAY from the sink. ... I just don't do that.


Apparently I'm clingy.


I don't know what to say... I've always been the way I have. So why hasn't Tom said anything before? I was too close to him at times... so why not ask me to move? *sighs* I don't understand how it can be my fault if I don't realise or get told that I'm doing something that is affecting someone. It's not like I don't realise I'm being this way or doing it on purpose .. I'm just being me.


So at times we bug the hell out of each other, but its not on purpose. We get annoyed at each other, yes. True. But I didn't realise how much I actually annoy Tom. I'm worried about it.


So the conversation continued and Tom brings up the fact that the time we have spent together has been like there is always a fight about to happen. So I will agree that the 4 days has felt like something was wrong with Tom but I wouldn't say it was all through me. No I'm not just taking on sides ... I just honestly can't see how I was the one causing this silent arguement. I knew something wasn't right, as I said before. But I didn't bring it up.


I explained to Tom about how I've been on my 'best-happy-ness' during the time I have been down. And its true I have. But... but I will admit that what Tom had to say about that is true: "You shouldn't have to try". I agree. I've tried not to start fights, but surely I shouldn't have to try now should I? *sighs* But I then explained about how its not that I've been trying to not start fights, but where as before I would bite Tom's head off on something I said how I've been trying to let it slip, find it funny, or just bite my toungue because it wouldn't start a fight. I was meant to be making it up to him... right?


I felt as if we were drifting. And as Tom said: "Where is the fun?" - It's true recently it hasn't been fun at all... but I changed. I've changed. But it made things worse, and now I don't know what to do, what to say. Because I'm worried that everything will cause a fight.


We hardly were close this weekend, we didn't even "Do STUFF". No more words on that. I tried... I but it seemed like everytime I got close to him he would push me away.


The way I layed there and listened to all this, and the look in Tom's face, was like he was considering about us. Together. As a couple. Nothing more was really said, as we had to make dinner, and then watched TV and then we went to bed.


Then this morning, I saw Tom for about an hour before he went to work. We just kissed and he left. But I could feel as if it was forced. I'm worried. Our Relationship is spiralling out of control. I can't hold on anymore. And all I want is to be with Tom... I really do. I REALLY do.


I left Tom's house and got to the station half an hour early. I sat there, listening to music and I cried. I let the tears flow down my cheeks... I think that me and Tom are on the rocks, and I can't stop the waves from forcing us apart in fury.


I cried and the worse part of it was that no one was there to hold me tight. I was at that station.. ALONE. Without Tom. And I fear thats the last time I'm going to be at that station... I pray to God [even though I don't believe] that we are still together. That something, anything happens to sort all this out.


Please... please make things to how they were.


Here comes the tears again..


Thanks for reading, if you did.
Goodbye Tom, and goodnight.

luvs

xXx

I'm sitting eating a chinese takeaway in my underwear, while at the computer. I felt the need to blog at this precise moment. Perhaps it was the Beef Chow Mein [#43] drowning in Sweet and Sour Source [#19A] that made me realise, of course while wearing my White Calvin Kleins, that its been over a month since I last blogged, and what a comeback this would make.


During all of this I am some how managing to talk to my boyfriend [Tom] on msn about that tattoo that he wants, the tattoo that I'm only just hearing about... hmm. Oh big news people. We broke the 6 months line and we are charging towards the 1 year mark [in another 6 months... but still]. Isn't love the best?


So seen as we are mentioning the number 6 at the moment... me and Tom had a 6 week gap of not seeing each other. We are long distance, which is always hard I know. But then chuck in a mother who says no to him coming up weekend and an important NUS Conference on the next weekend and hey presto ... 6 weeks later. BUT he stayed at the weekend just gone and it was magical. Might have something to do with the fact we went and saw Chronicals of Narnia! *woo*


Again following the 6 theme [oh my 3 six's in a row... 666 ..] :D I've got too much coursework to try and do at the moment. My drama coursework which has to be in tomorrow consists of 10 sections, each section 2 A4 pages long. I've done 6 of those sections [... because 6 is the magic number..] So only another 4 more to do.. oh wait. It's now 23:45PM.. eeek!


So things are pretty much being wrapped up for Christmas... teachers mysteriously off ill at college to do shopping, classes getting thinner as students can't be bothered to watch videos, and of course present swapping! *woo* I got my first x-mas present today. A pair of socks... but wait for it.. the best part... a HOMEBAKED CHOCOLATE CAKE! My friend Beca from college took 2 hours yesterday to bake me a whole choco-o-holic of a cake! Haven't tried it yet... but I will... I will.


In other news I'm planning to set up an Imogen Heap fan-based website. There doesn't seem to be an ultimate one out there, so I saw my chance to shine with my web skills and of course because Imogen Heap has found her way into my life and by shhhesh-ness she is good! If anyone is a fan and are willing to help me on this project - email me jakeyo[at]gmail.com


I had 101 things to say but right now my coursework is needed to be done and also the need to get rid of the remains of #43 + #19A.


Bye for now,
luvs

xXx


PS. Thanks for all those comments, my most ever *woo* Also sorry to those of you who have emailed me.. tres busy. Will reply soon! *mwah*

Considering that I count this as my own personal diary - I can't help but to prospone when I post a new post until I get a number of comments. Eek thats really bad of me. So I shall do my best to take comments as they come and to just get on instead and write about my life.


So, college has been quite a busy one of late. But then I think since when isn't it busy at college? I'm always dashing around doing this that or another thing. *sighs* It's all part of the fun I suppose.


Last week, my performing arts class all performed our 'Melodrama Ghost Stories' within a church in Cambridge. I didn't want my parents to come along at first, even though they get sent tickets in the post. It may sound wrong of me, but I wasn't a happy bunny about the piece at all. It just didn't feel right. It wasn't what I like to do, and the people were odd. Haha - how up myself do I sound?


Perhaps it was the style, but anywhos. My parents finally did come along and just as well because I was so tired after all that shouting and doing evil laughs. [For of course I was the evil father!] I finished it and collasped in the car in a heap. My voice disappearing and all I wanted was bed. It's a tough life being a performer!


So I get that hurdle out of the way and before I know it my Drama practical is creeping up upon my drama class. We have another week and a half before we have to perform our pieces.


I have an amazing group. We are all friends within the class, and we work 100% harder than any other group, and it shows. We just love our piece. We have adapted the story of Alice in Wonderland and added an injection of Terrists into it to create...


Alive in TERROR LAND


[You see what we did there? :D] Within our piece we are all characters from Alice in Wonderland but we have for example: The Queen of Hearts the head of a terrist organisation called "The Hearts". They are to plant a bomb within a busy department/office building which belongs to The Mad Hatter, the designer and maker of Hatter Hats. Now Mad Hatter exploits members of The Hearts [a group of 'lower class' people] to make his hats... hense why the Queen of Hearts has gone to drastic measures to free her people and also destory a copperate business.


Are you following?


I play The Chesire Cat, a 'feline friend'/narrator to Alice. I have a habbit to talk in rhyme and enhance the story along with my co-partner The Griffin. Together we open the play with the following:


Prologue


I say my friends, whats this I hear,
About the women that you fear.

Goes by the name of Queen of Hearts,
Todays the day her terror starts.


Mind you, my friend, Hatter had it coming,

With the evil sweatshops he was running.
Ruling the Hearts, like his personal slaves,

Sending them all to their early graves.


The time has come to make their stand,
And spread their politics throughout this land.

To uncover the truth from blinding lies,
Let Hatter hear their shouts and cries.


So there you have it, the opening of our play. What do you think?


We are performing in a week and a half *ekk* but things are running smoothly, especially after our 5 hour rehearsal today *phew* - Wow I love drama... bring on drama school! [Talking of which going to the Drama Centre London on Friday for an open day of the school... yay!]


luvs,

xXx